It's occurred to me that I may be having a not-mid-life crisis. I feel directionless and adrift. All those existential questions that I don't have answers for plague me. What is my purpose? If there were some moment at the end of one's life where they could look back over the whole of their existence.. what would I see? What do I want to see?
I don't even know.
The dreams that I've had for years.. are they really just dreams? What if I'm "not cut out" for them? What if they really wouldn't make me happy? What does that say about me? About my future? About direction?
I'm talking with a good friend of mine (typing. But still.) and it's.. eye opening. And daunting. I know that I'm negative and pessimistic. I make excuses and avoid things that are too hard. I'm short tempered and have been known to hold a grudge. I can recall, with accuracy, insignificant-but-definitely-negative things that happened more than twenty years ago. I am not patient. I'm not proud of any of those things.
So how do I change those things? Obviously I can't just change them all at once. And certainly not over night. It'll be hard work (which is a problem due to my habitual avoidance of hard work). But where do I start? My friend suggests that I think about how I want to feel and how to accomplish that. Sounds easy enough, right? But it's not. Still.. I guess that life - living - is.. sort of a work is progress.
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Completely unrelated: there's still time to donate to the Children's Miracle Network through Extra Life.
Just listened to this and kept thinking of your post:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.gracemaryville.org/sermons/?sermon_id=325
I listened to some of it. And I guess I'm hung up on the religious aspect (being not religious at all, myself). I'm going to take it as a suggestion that I'm looking for completeness (completion?) in the wrong places.
DeleteI do still kind of think that I need to start with accepting the me that I am rather than pining for the me that I'm not.