Tomorrow is my birthday and my kids are trying my patience in all the ways they can imagine. Can I just have a day? Twenty-four hours? Some short amount of time where my kids treat me and each other with respect? Where the fighting is kept to a minimum? With no tantrums or screaming? No groans about school work or ughs about not getting to watch cartoons whenever they want? Would that be so much to ask?
Yes. It would be. It is.
I know all the "hold on to this time you'll miss it when they're older" nonsense. Maybe I will. If I survive the now. I don't miss diapers or crying babies or breastfeeding or being pregnant or giving birth or teaching kids to use the toilet. Am I really going to miss them all being at each other's throats over incredibly stupid things? Nope. I don't think so.
Still. I understand the sentiment. I just can't be bothered to care right now, in the midst of the chaos.
I'm feeling less ill these days. I still have a cough and ache everywhere but I don't feel like the flu is trying to kill me anymore. I spent the morning getting the last month's worth of "school logs" (which are laughable at best) in order. First I was discouraged about what we're covering, what we need to cover, how I can't possibly teach them anything. Then I googled and thought and planned and felt mildly better - maybe even hopeful. Then I couldn't get the eldest to tell me what an adjective was. Or even to read aloud the line of poetry instructions that were relevant to the issue involving adjectives. Table hitting ensued (his), followed by time out (his), and a lecture (mine) - all to no avail, I assure you. But now.. not feeling so hopeful. Feeling more like "why the hell am I even bothering? I've fought him for the last seven years, shouldn't I just give up already and send his butt to school so I'll at least have peace?!"
Yep. This is why I don't post to my blog. It ends up being a whine-fest. Maybe venting will help. I don't know. I don't have any.. real life... friends, I guess you'd say. No one in town, no one I've met in person, really. There are people scattered across the globe that I met through blogs. But.. I'm not going to unload on them (which I'm probably sort of doing here, but not directly, dammit!). I rant to B when he's home (and in IMs while he's at work). Nothing helps. I'll keep flip flopping between hopeful and dejected. Is it me? Is it my relationship with my kids? Should we just not be homeschooling? Was I doomed from the start? My sister's answer would be to send them to school and get therapy. B's advice is to take it one step at a time. Rob's advice would be to make sure I take care of me. My coping mechanism is to let them all play video games and watch cartoons while I hide in a book or a game. Not ideal.
Right. Time to make lunch for kids and clean up the pile of books the eldest just knocked over. Because... that's my job right?